“Time Won’t Give Me Time”: A Moment to Breathe and Reflect Over the Holidays

Why, oh why, does my body need to eat and sleep? Do I really need to shower every single day? My legs are starting to swell up and my hip has gone to sleep from sitting too long without moving: is that bad, and should I invest in a pair of pressure stockings in order to avoid Deep Vein Thrombosis?

Such are the existential questions that have been swirling around my head over the past few weeks, as I’ve been working hell-for-leather on my very enjoyable and rewarding – do I dare to call it a career yet?- projects in audiobook narration and production. I don’t know if it is the novelty factor (I have, after all, only been doing this for about a month now), the meditative quality of spending hours in front of the computer editing and mastering audio files, or a narcissistic addiction to the sound of my own voice, but I’m finding it difficult to tear myself away for any more than a couple of hours. I also find it almost physically painful to have to turn down or postpone offers of work- the old song from Oklahoma about being a girl who can’t say no springs to mind! But as the holidays loom, I’ve promised myself, my therapist, and H that I will take some time to rest. I already know that it’s going to be a difficult promise to keep.

I know I need to do it, for my own health and for the health of my relationship. H has already had me cancel plans for spending some time together while I grappled with a particularly tight deadline. Given the nature of the time factor in our relationship (an unavoidable element of polygamous couplings), I don’t think he’ll be too impressed with me if it starts to become a regular occurrence!

The trouble is that when I’m not working, I have time to think. And sometimes, like a dark and treacherous forest, my mind can be a foreboding and tangled-up place to be. Work- at least this work, which I enjoy- can be a welcome distraction from the upheavals going on elsewhere in my life. Given too much time to spend in my own head, am I entirely confident that I won’t just end up curled up in a ball under my duvet, fearful of facing the coming months ahead?

You see, my life as I have known it, is in a period of transition, and change is scary and daunting. Especially when you have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and an imagination that can be way too creative for its own good sometimes. I have always been someone who can create nightmare scenarios with which I will then try to predict my own future. The worst possible outcome of any given situation? My brain will create it out of thin air, with not the slightest shred of supporting evidence, and it will suddenly become the awful thing that I just know is bound to happen.

But the Christmas and New Year period is a natural time for rest and reflection, so if I can’t do it now and remain standing then that doesn’t say much about the true measure of my mental health, does it? And so I find myself stepping warily into these holidays. I still have work scheduled, so it won’t be a totally lazy couple of weeks, but you’ll have already noticed from my increased presence in the Lair today that I’m beginning to factor some days off into my life again. I did, I admit, work on audio projects for about an hour. But I have switched off the laptop for today and am settled in for an afternoon of drinking lots of tea, listening to Billie Eilish (fucking adore her. Why didn’t anyone tell me how brilliant this girl is?!), and returning to blog land.

I’m looking forward to being around here in the Lair more often now, as I learn, or re-learn, how to manage my time.

Time, huh? Sometimes it drags interminably, and at others there just isn’t anywhere near enough of it. I hope that however you plan to spend your time these holidays that you are happy and safe, able to take time out and relax, and look back on 2019 with fondness.

Lots of love,

Jupiter x ๐ŸŒบ ๐Ÿ’‹

14 thoughts on ““Time Won’t Give Me Time”: A Moment to Breathe and Reflect Over the Holidays

  1. I am so happy for you that you have found a joy in your new work. Worry is a strange animal. We feel like we must get a head start on worrying, as if to say, if we worry enough it will keep something from happening. But that is never the case. And the time you spent worrying is not refundable once the nightmare scenario never materializes. My only suggestion is to not worry until there is solid proof of something to worry about. IF you can’t get all the required worrying in during the day, I promise it will keep you up at night so you can finish.

    Thank you for the gift of your words, your warmth, and all your support! May your season be the best and brightest you have ever known! โค๐Ÿ’‹

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re so right, Brad. It feels like tempting fate not to worry sometimes. Great advice, and a positive way of looking at things.
      Thank you so much for your kindness and support, Brad. I appreciate it very much indeed. ๐Ÿ’–

      Liked by 1 person

  2. At risk of delivering cliches, I would advise taking some time to completely clear your head. Itโ€™s only then that you will recover and find some genuine good feelings. Worry is the product of a mind that never stops working and itโ€™s only through practice that you can stop that. The want to work comes from the want not to worry. Your health will be fine if you practice clearing your head and some self love. My love to you and I must also say, keep doing what you do because itโ€™s great but, once more, take a breather and love yourself as much as you love others.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Sorry! I can see you have taken the step towards doing just what Iโ€™ve suggested! I rushed and didnโ€™t read your article props.! Spank me! I deserve it! Iโ€™ll send myself to my good Mistress who will take matters in hand!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I feel this on so many levels! Also a GAD sufferer so there is always something to worry about before it warrants a worry. Itโ€™s like the stress saying lol
    Iโ€™m glad you are taking some time for you. Your physical and mental health will thank you for it. โค๏ธ

    Liked by 2 people

  5. May the new year be kind to you. It is lovely to have found something you enjoy for gainful employment. Makes doing the job almost like playing. Still it is important to do things for yourself! Merry Christmas!

    Like

  6. I can really identify with this post Jupiter, sometimes it’s harder to step off than to keep going, especially when it comes to all of the thoughts buzzing around in our heads. I hope this holiday period has brought you just what you need. It sounds like the new career is going really well, best wishes for 2020 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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