The Road Not Taken: Sex and the Self-Defeating Girl

At the risk of destroying my sex-blogging credentials, I’m going to own up to something. I haven’t had a whole lot of sex in my lifetime. I mean, I’ve had isolated periods of a lot of sex when I’ve been in an intimate relationship with the person I’ve been shagging, but I haven’t had a lot of partners. I can, in fact, count my sexual partners on one hand.

While I would never judge anyone for the number of sexual partners they’ve had, whether it be an army of lovers or none at all, I can’t help feeling sad about the exciting fun I’ve missed out on over the years. Having discovered the kink-community very recently, and only realised now, here in the two-thousand-and-nineteenth year of the Common Era, that I am actually kinky as fuck, I wish that I hadn’t spent such a large proportion of my life too self-conscious, ashamed and embarrassed to explore my sexuality.

When I was a young girl, sex wasn’t spoken of in our household. It wasn’t a religious thing, as I wasn’t raised in a monotheistic religious tradition. (My parents were into theosophy and spent a lot of their spare time at The Theosophical Society bookshop.) However, I grew up with the sense that my mother had a particular aversion to sex and sexuality, although I know that she definitely had it, certainly at least three times in her life! But she didn’t ever talk to me about it, except in disparaging tones.

I got given “the period talk” at the age of 10 (back then, we didn’t get any sex-ed, and the biology stuff didn’t come until high school). Mum was thorough and kind and she did a good job of preparing me for this thing that was going to appear in my life soon. But when the part about the fertilised ovum becoming a baby came up, she wouldn’t elaborate on how this fertilisation occurred. I was a little naive, perhaps, but I don’t remember the birds and the bees ever being discussed in the school yard, and so I was none the wiser. I deduced that obviously this fertilisation happened by some kind of mysterious magic that was beyond the wit of man, and didn’t ask any further questions.

When my period arrived a few years later, Mum went over the basics again. But by this time, I knew a little bit about the whole egg and sperm business. This time, when she got to the part about fertilisation, I pressed her.

“But how does the egg get fertilised?” I asked, a cheeky little voice in my head saying, I’m gonna make you explain it to me eventually, Mum!

Mum paused for a moment, and I held my breath expectantly.

“I don’t know,” she said, simply. And that was it. As the modern parlance goes, End Of.

I was 13, nearly 14 years old at this point. If ever there was a moment for Mum to give me “the sex talk” that was it. But she balked and deflected, and thus my entire knowledge of sex was gleaned from the schoolyard and Mills and Boon romance novels.

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As I discussed in a previous post, I wrote a lot of erotic romance stories when I was a teenager. Wait- scratch that. I wrote a lot of puerile fantasy scenarios that would occasionally feature sexy times as far as my limited knowledge and experience would allow. I’m sure if I were to travel back in time and read those stories now, I would be appalled and bemused by my ignorance. Up until the age of about 16, I thought (and I cannot believe I’m telling you this – keep it between you and me, okay?) that you could only get pregnant during your period. So if you weren’t bleeding when you had sex, you were fine, yeah? (It’s probably just as well that I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19, by which point I had been disavowed of that theory! Otherwise things could have gotten very complicated, and very crowded!)

So I remember writing an “X and Y are really in love, so they bump their genitals together in some non-specific fashion that I don’t quite understand the mechanics of just yet, and then during the afterglow they discover that X’s period started mid-coitus, so they know immediately that she is definitely pregnant. Oh dear, well they love each other and would probably have got married anyway, so no harm done. We’re having a baby, isn’t it wonderful? End Scene”. Trust me, I know. I’m cringing, too.

This is just one example of my total naivety and lack of understanding about sex. Yes, I masturbated; very furtively, though I will admit to being a fucking insatiable wank-machine in my teenage years! (Hmm, “Insatiable Wank-Machine”. Good name for a band, that… πŸ€”) I knew about orgasms, because I’d had quite a number of them. I knew I liked them. I really wanted some more. But apart from two pretty uninspiring and, sadly, almost entirely orgasm- free sexual relationships, both of which had to be kept secret because I didn’t want my mother to be horrified by what a dirty slut I was, the period from age 19 to my late 30s was pretty much bereft of sex.

I had opportunities. Occasionally even with men* that I really, really fancied. Men that I’d been crushing on for ages. Men that I’d spent an evening attempting to flirt with, in my own naive way. (*I say men, as I was firmly hetero; nowadays, hmm, I don’t know for sure, but I’m open to exploring I guess.) I could have had sex with a few of them. I got so, so close on a couple of occasions. I think, in fact I would go so far as to say that I definitely would, have really enjoyed it. I certainly would have liked to find out for sure. Even at the time, in that moment when that perfect guy leaned in to kiss me, and I was hypnotised by his blue-green eyes and the smell of his cologne, I wanted to have sex with him. So what the hell happened?

I balked. I chickened out. Just like my mother when the perfect moment was staring her in the face but she just couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge the existence of sex. I don’t know why I did it. It was an almost automatic response to sexual intimacy: I shouldn’t be doing this.

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The dry spell may not have lasted forever, but I never really lived the kind of hedonistic sexual experience that I pictured myself having. I met H when I was in my mid 30s, but he courted me for a long time and, boy, I really made him work for it. It seems ridiculous, because I really liked him, but after so many years in the desert, and even longer spent conditioned to believe that sex just wasn’t a thing that I should be doing, I had no confidence. I didn’t believe that any man could genuinely want to have sex with me, and I assumed that any man who claimed that he did had some kind of ulterior motive or ominous agenda. When I finally did let H into my ‘secret garden’, as it were, I liked it. A lot!

We’ve never been together exclusively. Neither of us have the stomach for long-term monogamy. Nowadays, I identify as polyamorous, but that is simply because at one point in my life, for a grand total of four years, I was in a non-monogamous relationship with two different men at the same time, ‘H’ and ‘B’, and I loved both of them. Now, though, with the relationship with B long over, I don’t know if I am justified in identifying as poly. What I am is the secondary partner* in a relationship with a non-monogamous man who is now married to his primary*. (*I don’t really like those designations, but they are the most succinct way to explain our dynamic.) At best, I suppose you could say that I am a polyamorous woman in a non-monogamous relationship with one partner and open to relationships with other partners. At worst, I’m a single woman fucking a married man (albeit one whose wife is completely aware of my existence) . The truth, I guess, is somewhere in the middle.

This is an awfully long road to get to the crux of my post, but here it is. I wish that I had travelled the road of sex and sexuality, and taken the opportunity to enjoy more pleasure back when I was younger and thinner and my joints were more supple. I wish that I hadn’t set forth on a road where sex was something you occasionally might have to endure but wouldn’t, shouldn’t, enjoy. I wish I’d kissed that guy with the turquoise eyes and the nice smell. Maybe if I had, it wouldn’t have taken me until my 40s and a playful but pedestrian attempt at bondage and spanking during a “date” with H to eventually lead to my discovery that I’m actually kinky- and have the Erotic Blueprint test results to prove it, lol!

H isn’t into some of the more far-out kinks that I’d like to explore, and I’m totally okay with that. I love and respect him even more for being open with me about it. Also, because I “share” time with him, any of our more elaborate adventures often have to be scheduled and planned ahead of time. And sometimes life, health, children, periods, parents and work can come along and throw a spanner into the best laid plans.

I know it’s a very defeatist attitude to have, but I don’t really foresee a time where I will have completely let go of my hang-ups about sex, my body, my age and my confidence around potential new partners enough to really explore the kinky me that I’ve only recently discovered. Never say never, I suppose. But if I had my youth to do over, and the opportunity to use what I know now in order to make different choices and venture down different paths, I would have spent more time fucking and less time fretting about it.

Click the pic to get more Food for Thought

28 thoughts on “The Road Not Taken: Sex and the Self-Defeating Girl

  1. At 20 we are worried about what others think of us, at 30 we dont care what they think, at 40… we realize they were not thinking of us at all. 😏 youth is wasted on the young.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I was a little more fortunate in that at least one of my non sex discussing parents had to have had a kinky mind … my early sex education came from a couple of gems I found in their secret book stash πŸ˜‹ … nj

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, dark horses, your folks! Actually, now you mention saucy book stashes, I think my Dad had a few sexy books–“The Sensual Man”, “The Sensual Woman”, and “Delta of Venus”. I’d totally forgotten about those. I guess sex hadn’t always been verboten, then. Thanks for your comment, Nora πŸ’–

      Liked by 1 person

  3. A brilliant post and one I can relate to. I’ve only ever had sex with C, and my mother also balked at β€˜the talk’ when I was 16, and had already started the pill myself as we’d become sexually actively then, by only going as far as β€˜are you and C….serious then?’ β€˜Mum it’s fine, I’m on the pill now.’ I guess she didn’t want me to be an 18 year old mother like she had been, but still. I’m glad, however as late as it was, that we discovered a new energy to our sex life by revisiting and developing our kinks, eventually leading to our D/s. Never say never, as you say, hindsight is a wonderful thing, thanks so much for sharing ❣️

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Kis. It’s interesting how it seems such a taboo discussion for some parents, and yet it is so much more useful to get the information from adults than from the schoolyard or worse, trial and error! I’m glad that you and Cuiplash were able to take that journey together, and explore your sexuality with each other. That seems to me to be a lovely journey to share.

      Like

  4. Oh goodness, I don’t think many sex bloggers have lived or are always living the rampant sex lives people think we are. I think posts like this are exactly hat sex blogging is about though, open and honest conversations about sex. I haven’t had much sex either, I think as I hit my mid 30’s though I’m discovering my sexual libido is kickin in and I want more, lol, so who knows what lies ahead. You really never know what’s around the corner, so maybe you might find yourself exploring some of your kinks even if you don’t foresee it happening at the moment. Thank you for sharing such a fab post for F4Thought x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m relieved to know that I’m not such an outlier as I feared! Yes, it is true that one never knows what the future may hold. Maybe I will surprise myself.

      They do say that women enter into the peak years of their sexuality in their 30s. Interesting to see that that has been your experience, as well.

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  5. There’s rather a lot that’s familiar here. The parental denial to admit that sex actually existed and to dodge the topic at the slightest hint it would be broached. As for the school sex-ed, aged about 11 the girls hustled in to the gym and the boys in to the assembly hall for 20 minutes of embarrassed mumbling – job done.

    It’s frustrating that we have to learn so much about sex and ourselves at an older age, just as the joints and muscles start to object.

    Lovely post and I hope you keep exploring and writing about the exploration. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So frustrating indeed, yes. It feels like such a wasted opportunity. I know that “the grass is always greener” and whatnot, but I always feel like those in their twenties and early 30s are having a whale of a time when it comes to sex and dating, and I feel a bit jealous sometimes!
      Thanks melody. X

      Like

  6. Excellent post… and one I can relate to. I have only had 3 partners (2 were in my late teens/early 20s)… and sex with only 3 partners. I also get sad thinking about all of the dirty raunchy stuff I missed out on. Now I blog and create stuff. Hopefully I can fulfill my many fantasies one day… now that I am older and more interested in sex. I wasn’t much interested until I hit my mid-30s. Now I am 39 and wanting to jump the fuck out of my skin.

    My mum gave me a book called “Every Girl’s Life Guide” when I got my period. That and Degrassi High (best Canadian tv show ever) were my sex ed… and found smut lol

    Thanks for writing this. It is easy to compare yourself to others when you assume everyone has had decades of fun sex adventures with multiple partners… when in fact… many have not.

    One of my biggest regrets is not having been more of a slut….. But I guess I can play catch-up at some point lol

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks TJ. It seems that for a lot of those who identify as women, the mid- 30s, at least, are the age where we start to identify and engage more with our sexuality and want to explore it. It’s a shame that were missing out on a lot of potential fun in our younger years.

      I never watched Degrassi: I wish I had, I know so many people who remember it fondly.

      Yes, I guess the take-home is that it’s never too late to get the sexy on! Have fun xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I could count the number of sexual partners I’ve had on one hand, even after a small industrial accidental. And while I don’t regret that, I do feel out of place in the sex community because of it sometimes.

    Plus I would love to start a band called ‘Insatiable Wank-Machine’ with you haha

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I guess it is part of human nature that we are always comparing ourselves to others, and finding ourselves lacking. Rest assured, you are a totally brilliant part of the sex community, no matter how many partners!

      I’ll dust off my tambourine for Insatiable Wank-Machine rehearsals 🎡

      Liked by 1 person

  8. You know it wasn’t so silly of you to think that a woman could get pregnant when on a period – as after all that is what happens in some of the animal world – a bitch πŸ˜‰ can only get pregnant when she is “spotting” for instance. And there are a lot of bitches in the world of humans too πŸ˜‰ –
    Great post – made me think about my “hand count” and exclusively for u it works out as… – u know I am not going to say – will write a post about it next week! thanks for the inspiration J x

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Fascinating post Jupiter! And your description of your relationship makes perfect sense to me.
    Never say never. Here I am in my 60’s after a fairly active sex life (more than 10 less than 20), just discovering how kinky I’d like to be, but somewhat lacking in potential playmates – apart from a coterie of devoted toys… πŸ˜„
    Indie

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Great post ☺️
    In a story I wrote when I was fourteen years old, I had my MC checked the day after she had -nonconsensual- sex and she was relieved that she was not pregnant. Because that’s how fast it goes 🀨
    So yeah, I can completely relate to what your teenage you thought about pregnancy 🀣

    Liked by 1 person

  11. A great post Jupiter. The only sex education I remember from my parents was being handed a slim book in the early 60s which was literally just about birds and bees. There may have been a paragraph or two about humans but it was all very airy fairy. I remember discovering a pile of magazines called Parade at my grandparent’s. (Under the bed) My grandfather enjoyed the pictures of naked woman and my grandmother enjoyed the crossword that was bizarrely contained within the pages of this ‘adult’ magazine.c 1966. The woman were heavily airbrushed in the nether regions. It would be many years before I first saw a naked woman in the flesh.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you πŸ’‹ Yes, I remember those type of magazines. My Dad also had a hidden stash of Mayfair magazines, and that’s where I first saw nudity. It’s funny the very haphazard way that we of previous generations pieced together our knowledge of sex. I know that my niece and nephew’s sex education and awareness is far superior to what we used to get back in the day.

      Like

  12. What an honest post, Jupi! I can relate to a lot of the frustration that you are talking about. I can count the number of consensual partners on one hand too (well, if you only count PIV as sex, that is). I wish I had explored more and fucked more when I was younger, prettier, healthier.
    Insatiable Wank-Machine would definitely be a fantastic name for a punk band!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Deevie πŸ’œ I guess we all fall prey to that “grass is always greener on the other side” thinking.
      Look forward to gigging with you when we start up IWM πŸ‘πŸŽΈπŸŽΌ

      Liked by 1 person

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