Lost: One mojo. If Found, Please Return to Jupiter Grant.

Bloody hell, life can be a trial sometimes, can’t it? I mean, we slog along doing our best, trying to keep that little spring in our step, but things inevitably come along to trip us up. Most times, we get lucky and we just get a little wrong-footed, but keep right on walking; other times, we fall flat on our face.

That’s kind of where I find myself at the moment. I am battling with the black dog again, and my Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is in hyper-drive. As a result, I see only bad, only negativity, and little hope for the future.

Now, I know that this is my brain playing tricks on me. I’ve been through it before, and I know that I can come back out again. But when you’re locked in the echo chamber of your own mind (something I touched on in a previous post) it’s hard to believe that. And it’s easy to wonder, what’s the point, anyway?

I’ll be honest, I’m tired. I’m tired of trying so hard to keep going, keep fighting, when I know that eventually the depression will just end up coming back. It feels so much easier to give in to it, and to let it drain me down until I’m completely empty and have no strength left for the fight.

Understand, I’m not talking about suicide. Yes, I have been in that place before, but this time there is a desire to keep living. There is still that little light burning, reminding me that prior to this downturn, things were good. Really good.

A huge part of that has been blogging and writing. The support and encouragement of so many people has shown me that I’m not a total waste of oxygen, and that there’s is actually something that I really enjoy that I’m also kind of good at doing. I didn’t have that last time I was in the depths, and I’m so grateful to have it now. It keeps me going.

The downside is that the depression has made me take my foot off the accelerator when it comes to writing and pitching, both the sexy and the vanilla kind. I battle with those negative voices, “you don’t have anything worthwhile to say“. This week’s Smutlancer podcast is about Dealing with Imposter Syndrome, and it honestly couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Imposter Syndrome is something that affects so many people and when you’re already an anxious depressive, well, it’s no bundle of laughs!

There’s not much point to my post, really. I’m not fishing for sympathy, though of course I worry that it may come across like that. (I’m a fiercely independent person, sometimes to my own detriment, and I don’t like to be needy!). It is more to exercise that writing muscle, remind myself that as much as I don’t feel like I can write, that I don’t have anything worthwhile to say, that I just don’t know what to do with a blank page, that if I just make the effort to start, the words will flow. And no matter whether there is any point to what I’ve written, I will feel better for having tried.

And I do.

I’d like to thank all of you for reading, liking and commenting on the blog over the past six months (oh, will you look at that- the Lair is six-months old! I just realised. πŸŽ‚) It really is my shining light at the moment, and I’m so very grateful to everyone who’s ever stopped by for a visit.

That means you!

Love, Jupiter πŸ’‹

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30 thoughts on “Lost: One mojo. If Found, Please Return to Jupiter Grant.

  1. If your not feeling it then your just not. And that’s ok. 😁 grats on 6 months. Oh.. and that mojo your looking for? You still got it. It’s just refilling so you can make an epic comeback. πŸ˜‰

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Depression is a bitch. It feels impossibly hard to have to put an effort to sail through the bad weather of your own mind. Makes it even harder when you know almost with certainty that, even if you get through this particular dark night, another one is sure to come at some point. Yes, a day will follow a night, but it is not a belief easy to hold when it’s pitch black. The questions and doubts that are held at bay when you are doing well spring forth and attack you mercilessly when you are at your lowest. I admire your ability to remember that this is “just” brain weather and that this, too, shall pass even during these challenging moments, and I root for you to get through this and to bounce back, and to keep building on the foundation that you have constructed so far. Good luck, JG!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much, MM. Yes, you put it so well. It’s hard to believe in light when everything is dark, and while knowing that ups and downs are to be expected is comforting in one sense, in another it is quite a debilitating thought!
      Thank you so much for your comments and support. I really do appreciate it πŸ’–

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think you are fabulous!! Your blog is heading for the stars!! Mental illness and depression are serious issues so I wish you strength and help whenever needed. Remember your blog is not a cry for help but rather an echo of what you are thinking about. We understand that, and by interacting with you hope we can be of some help.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Although it’s a relatively new thing for me, I nod along when I read this. It’s not fishing for sympathy and I’m not sure that unless you’ve been there the nuance between suicidal thoughts and hoping to kind of drift away because for the moment you don’t have the fight inside is broadly understood.

    Is it really only 6 months of JupitersLair ? There’s a lot been accomplished in that time and I always look forward to your posts and interactions. You’ve left valuable comments on my own blog that help alleviate my own impostor syndrome.

    Putting something, anything, on the blank page is an achievement right now. Getting the mojo back will come in time and I wish you well in finding it again.

    melody xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much melody. Yes, it is a nuance, and it can seem to others that the hopelessness and feeling of wanting to give in is the same as suicidal ideation. It can make one feel hesitant to admit to it in case the hearer automatically assumes you’re in danger.

      Yes, only six months. I think it’s six months this week, in fact. Time certainly has flown by! Thank you so very much for your kindness and support. I am really grateful to you xx

      Like

  5. In my best “ohhhh gurlll!” you are an amazing writer and from what you share with us, a fabulous person! Sometimes we let the anxiety and depression sit with us for awhile but soon enough you’ll dust out the cobwebs and your writing will come back. From one newbie (10 months) to another congrats on the 6th month mark! You have accomplished so much and I am looking forward to whatever your devious mind concocts. 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You have done brilliantly and it is so important to keep fighting – and the fact that u recognise what is going on mental health wise is a positive thing. You can win through.
    I love the smut lancer – Kayla puts out such good info. And TY for linking this here as I know it is a post that may help others x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words and support, May. I really appreciate the kindness you have shown me since I started my blogging journey, and am so grateful.

      The Smutlancer certainly does have some great info and, yes, this episode is particularly pertinent to very many people. πŸ’–πŸ’‹

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Congratulations on your 6-month milestone! I can relate to so much that you wrote and damn those negative voices in our heads. I keep telling myself “tomorrow is another day and there’s always tomorrow.” Procrastination is my downfall but sometimes its the only thing to keep me going.
    Mojo comes & goes. I think that is necessary in order to maintain long term stamina in this sort of endeavor. You don’t wanna suffer complete burn-out. Those closest to you will remain close when the mojo fades and will wait for its return.
    Happy Thoughts…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I don’t read a lot of blogs, fir a multitude of personal reasons and #MH
    I’ve always enjoyed your work.
    I never realised you’re six months old, you write like a seasoned bloggers.
    Peaks and troughs of life, I use them as inspiration
    Congratulations and try to listen to the positive talk so many here have.
    FOR YOUπŸ’ž
    Swirly 🌻

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Depression is like a death-eater or something. Any bit of happiness is outweighed by all the drudgery and pessimism we feel at the time. The good news is, you’re still you and you’ve achieved a lot in 6 months!

    Liked by 1 person

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