Bloody hell, life can be a trial sometimes, can’t it? I mean, we slog along doing our best, trying to keep that little spring in our step, but things inevitably come along to trip us up. Most times, we get lucky and we just get a little wrong-footed, but keep right on walking; other times, we fall flat on our face.
That’s kind of where I find myself at the moment. I am battling with the black dog again, and my Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is in hyper-drive. As a result, I see only bad, only negativity, and little hope for the future.
Now, I know that this is my brain playing tricks on me. I’ve been through it before, and I know that I can come back out again. But when you’re locked in the echo chamber of your own mind (something I touched on in a previous post) it’s hard to believe that. And it’s easy to wonder, what’s the point, anyway?
I’ll be honest, I’m tired. I’m tired of trying so hard to keep going, keep fighting, when I know that eventually the depression will just end up coming back. It feels so much easier to give in to it, and to let it drain me down until I’m completely empty and have no strength left for the fight.
Understand, I’m not talking about suicide. Yes, I have been in that place before, but this time there is a desire to keep living. There is still that little light burning, reminding me that prior to this downturn, things were good. Really good.
A huge part of that has been blogging and writing. The support and encouragement of so many people has shown me that I’m not a total waste of oxygen, and that there’s is actually something that I really enjoy that I’m also kind of good at doing. I didn’t have that last time I was in the depths, and I’m so grateful to have it now. It keeps me going.
The downside is that the depression has made me take my foot off the accelerator when it comes to writing and pitching, both the sexy and the vanilla kind. I battle with those negative voices, “you don’t have anything worthwhile to say“. This week’s Smutlancer podcast is about Dealing with Imposter Syndrome, and it honestly couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Imposter Syndrome is something that affects so many people and when you’re already an anxious depressive, well, it’s no bundle of laughs!
There’s not much point to my post, really. I’m not fishing for sympathy, though of course I worry that it may come across like that. (I’m a fiercely independent person, sometimes to my own detriment, and I don’t like to be needy!). It is more to exercise that writing muscle, remind myself that as much as I don’t feel like I can write, that I don’t have anything worthwhile to say, that I just don’t know what to do with a blank page, that if I just make the effort to start, the words will flow. And no matter whether there is any point to what I’ve written, I will feel better for having tried.
And I do.
I’d like to thank all of you for reading, liking and commenting on the blog over the past six months (oh, will you look at that- the Lair is six-months old! I just realised. 🎂) It really is my shining light at the moment, and I’m so very grateful to everyone who’s ever stopped by for a visit.
That means you!
Love, Jupiter 💋