I spent last night relaxing on the sofa and watching one of my favourite comedians, Dylan Moran, on Amazon Prime. I had not seen this particular live show, “Off the Hook” before; it was outrageously funny as always. His encore was his attempt at writing a “Fifty Shades of Grey” style erotic novel, and his very original sensual fiction had me in gales of laughter. I knew straight away that I wanted to share it with you; yes it’s taking the mickey out of erotica, but he’s so funny, and his unique delivery is genius. I couldn’t find a clip on youtube, so you’ll need to imagine this in his voice, or you can watch the entire live show on amazon prime video.
“Erotic Fiction Blockbuster” by Dylan Moran
” Yes! Yes!” she said, looping with her fingers a wayward glossy comma of fringe from her brow. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”
“Who are you?” he said. “What are you doing in my bathroom?”
She approached him like a panther, a drunk panther who was walking on its back legs as a party trick. She looked at his midriff, naked under his vest, shirt, cardigan and 3/4 length duffle coat. Her breast heaved. She saw the Tescos bag twisting against his knee. Her other breast heaved.
“What’s in the bag?” she said.
He stepped closer, wary, frightened, disbelieving, disorientated but definitely aroused.
“What’s in my bag?” he said.
She raised her chin to him, showing no trepidation, apart from some brief intense fiddling with her hospital bracelet. He stepped closer. Cruelly , deliciously, his duffle buttons pressed into her. She thought she might cum right there, all over the loofah and everything.
His gaze was stern, unyielding, like and Easter Island head stuck in traffic.
“Soup,” he said, although because he had a cleft palate it came out as “sptloop.”
“Bite me using only your gums!!” she screamed. “Fling me into a windmill!! Hide my phone charger!!!”